My friend Mary wrote this on her blog recently about her thoughts after a vacation (without kids) in Norway.
I can completely relate:
"I came back with the certainty that things need to change. Childcare for Mazen. A job for me. Extra income for the family. I want to be a woman who has some self-esteem about who she is as a whole person, not just in her role as a mother to small children. I want to have the energy and the ability to bring beauty back into my daily life.
This trip, coming at the end of a particularly long, hard and stressful summer, has allowed me to see that my life is radically out of balance. I feel like I'm peripheral in my own life. It's time to make some changes, to move forward.
It's time to remember that if I choose to bring beauty into my life it doesn't need to be justified or explained. It's time to remember that I am an adult and I don't need to justify or explain myself to anyone. It's time to discover who I am now, having been living in a parallel world for the last five years.
Scary stuff."
I oscillate very often between feeling happy that I have the privilege to stay at home and hang out with Michael - and Mary's paragraphs above. Some days - I embrace my life of service without complaint. Some days - I think the above.
And I really don't know what to do at this time in my life. It's like a midlife crisis but without the car.
P
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Because.It.Is.Ridiculous
In One week:
Tuesday, 8/23: Earthquake struck pretty far south of us in VA.
Saturday, 8/27-8/28: Hurricane Irene ripped through the East Coast starting in the Carolinas.
I guess God felt my life was a bit too boring for my liking!
The earthquake was bizarre. We were outside the library and I was putting Michael in his carseat. I felt the ground shake back and forth, like I was in a crowded bouncy house. I thought it was just a train coming through (which I have N-E-V-E-R seen before on these railroad tracks right by the library). It stopped and I went on with my life. I paused to think - hey, it might be an earthquake.
And then I thought, "No, that's just reserved for Californians."
Luckily, Bill called me and said, "Hey, you OK?"
Me: "Yea, why?"
Bill: "Because an earthquake just hit VA"
Me: "Well, THAT explains a lot."
Then, the first hurricane to hit the upper east coast in I don't know how many years - decided to do it this weekend.
Brian was supposed to get in at 5:00pm from Pittsburgh on Friday. Only his flight was delayed to 10:30pm. I told him that he had BETTER get here before 8:00am otherwise, he'd be stuck in Pittsburgh because of the impending hurricane on Saturday afternoon. Luckily, Brian didn't have to rent a car at 11:00pm and he made it back to PA to whether the hurricane with us. WHEW.
Poor Michael - he had a basket case of a mother - and I was short and curt - as I can be when I am stressed out and going on very little sleep. He started to cry because I was using my "stressed out" tone with him, but then I told him what was going on. I explained that Mommy was really stressed out because now I had to do all the big outdoor things to secure the house for the storm and also get the neighbors boys to help me with the heavy stuff. I was really upset and I wanted to cry too (AND I DID in the car - but I wasn't about to admit that in front of him), but he really needed to calm down, be a big boy, and help. Because sometimes, we have to do that and be brave.
And he calmed down and understood. What a moment that was for me as a mother. Where did my little baby go?
To be honest - Brian's delay at the airport was just ONE of the stressors of that Friday. I am not going to go into the other ones - like my breaker tripping out the electricity in the garage/kitchen and my neighbor having to show me A)what that looks like and B) how to fix it since my fuse box is not correctly labeled - or having to reschedule my ordering session with a client because of Brian's schedule - or the fact that Brian was gone ALL week.
SO far, Hurricane Irene did not down any trees. I am waiting for the ground to firm up a bit more and a couple of sunny days to go by before I make the final verdict. But I am very thankful that God kept our family, our home, and our neighbors safe.
Got all ready for Michael's first day of school tomorrow - and it was cancelled.
VOILA. At least I am ready for the real first day of school!
And might I add - for all the forms for Michael's school - I am not going to go into how many times I had to write my name, Brian's name, Michael's name, address, and phone number.
I read something that said if you didn't want your kids to whine - to look in the mirror first. If I whine about stuff - he's going to too. So I have a lot of self-improvement to work on.
Tuesday, 8/23: Earthquake struck pretty far south of us in VA.
Saturday, 8/27-8/28: Hurricane Irene ripped through the East Coast starting in the Carolinas.
I guess God felt my life was a bit too boring for my liking!
The earthquake was bizarre. We were outside the library and I was putting Michael in his carseat. I felt the ground shake back and forth, like I was in a crowded bouncy house. I thought it was just a train coming through (which I have N-E-V-E-R seen before on these railroad tracks right by the library). It stopped and I went on with my life. I paused to think - hey, it might be an earthquake.
And then I thought, "No, that's just reserved for Californians."
Luckily, Bill called me and said, "Hey, you OK?"
Me: "Yea, why?"
Bill: "Because an earthquake just hit VA"
Me: "Well, THAT explains a lot."
Then, the first hurricane to hit the upper east coast in I don't know how many years - decided to do it this weekend.
Brian was supposed to get in at 5:00pm from Pittsburgh on Friday. Only his flight was delayed to 10:30pm. I told him that he had BETTER get here before 8:00am otherwise, he'd be stuck in Pittsburgh because of the impending hurricane on Saturday afternoon. Luckily, Brian didn't have to rent a car at 11:00pm and he made it back to PA to whether the hurricane with us. WHEW.
Poor Michael - he had a basket case of a mother - and I was short and curt - as I can be when I am stressed out and going on very little sleep. He started to cry because I was using my "stressed out" tone with him, but then I told him what was going on. I explained that Mommy was really stressed out because now I had to do all the big outdoor things to secure the house for the storm and also get the neighbors boys to help me with the heavy stuff. I was really upset and I wanted to cry too (AND I DID in the car - but I wasn't about to admit that in front of him), but he really needed to calm down, be a big boy, and help. Because sometimes, we have to do that and be brave.
And he calmed down and understood. What a moment that was for me as a mother. Where did my little baby go?
To be honest - Brian's delay at the airport was just ONE of the stressors of that Friday. I am not going to go into the other ones - like my breaker tripping out the electricity in the garage/kitchen and my neighbor having to show me A)what that looks like and B) how to fix it since my fuse box is not correctly labeled - or having to reschedule my ordering session with a client because of Brian's schedule - or the fact that Brian was gone ALL week.
SO far, Hurricane Irene did not down any trees. I am waiting for the ground to firm up a bit more and a couple of sunny days to go by before I make the final verdict. But I am very thankful that God kept our family, our home, and our neighbors safe.
Got all ready for Michael's first day of school tomorrow - and it was cancelled.
VOILA. At least I am ready for the real first day of school!
And might I add - for all the forms for Michael's school - I am not going to go into how many times I had to write my name, Brian's name, Michael's name, address, and phone number.
I read something that said if you didn't want your kids to whine - to look in the mirror first. If I whine about stuff - he's going to too. So I have a lot of self-improvement to work on.
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