Now...I do realize that Dr. James Dobson is a Christian Conservative. And when I decide to do a couples devotional on marriage (by myself by the way)...I am inviting biblical marital principles into my life. And to be honest, I'm not quite prepared for it. And I don't quite like it. There, I said it.
Am I saying a biblical marriage is awful? Or that it does not work? Absolutely not. I know of 2 "biblical marriages" that work quite well for the people involved.
I am saying that I am disappointed in Night Light's 2 chapters on the roles of wives and husbands.
Dr. Dobson devotes one chapter to the role of husband. Here are some questions from that chapter:
- What has been my most "shining moment" as your husband?
- How can I (the wife) encourage you (the husband) in the responsibilities God has given to you?
- Am I (the husband) sensitive to your (the wife's) feelings regarding decisions?
- Do you ever miss being single? Why?
- How, as a wife, can I help you be a better father?
- Wife asking husband: Do you ever struggle with trying to care for my emotional well-being? What can I do to help?
Dr. Dobson then devotes one chapter to the role of wives. Here are some questions from that chapter:
- Does the role of "helper" seem insulting to you?
- Is it easy for you (the wife) to serve me as your husband?
- Do you (the husband) feel that I (the wife) believe in you?
- How can we define the wife's duty to submit to her husband?
- If you (the husband) were asked to define my (the wife's) character, would noble come to mind?
- Wife asking husband: What do you think is the biggest setback/failure you have experienced? Did I show you support at that time?
- Husband asking wife: Which of my favorite activities do you enjoy?
Wife asking husband: Do you appreciate having me join you in activities?
Sense a trend? The husband's chapter is...of course, all about the husband's role and how the wife can help him be better. The wife's chapter is all about...the husband and how the wife can submit and serve him better. Hmmm...did we forget all about the wife's needs?
Now, to Dobson's credit, he didn't ignore the wife's role completely. He did ask questions about how the men could be sensitive to the wife's feelings in decision making. And how to care for her emotional well being. But let's look at the data:
Husband chapter:
22 questions total
4 questions recognizing the wife's feelings/rights to have them/her self improvement
6 general marriage questions that are good for any marriage
12 questions about the father/husband's needs/wife's need to submit and support
Wife Chapter:
20 questions total
3 questions recognizing the wife's feelings/rights to have them/self improvement
2 general marriage questions that are good for any marriage
15 questions on how the wife can better support her husband, submit.
And so I finish these chapters disappointed. I would have hoped for some more questions about the husband considering the wife's interests and joining HER on them. Or maybe some questions on the difficulty of being a wife/stay at home mom and how the husband could help her there.
But no. No discussion as such in the wife chapter. Just more focus on how to help your husband in his bad times, taking on HIS interests as your own and well, basically being his helper without any focus at all on YOU.
So...there. I don't like it. And maybe that makes me a bad biblical wife. I have my own interests, my own needs, and my own necessity to be treated as Brian's equal, not his subject to lead.
But in my marriage, Brian loves me anyways. And it works for us.
Discuss. Conservative and not so conservative opinions all welcome.
8 comments:
Hot topic indeed!
My vision of marriage is one in which BOTH partners "submit" to each other, in that the goal of both is to make the other person happy and to be supportive. Not a one-way street, as far as I'm concerned. But I'm not a very conservative person, as you know!!!
It's interesting right? The justification is that the husband is supposed to love and cherish his wife in the same way that Christ loves his church, which is in a very strong and supportive way.
BUT...Christ is the head of the church. And nowhere in there does it say to treat his wife with respect or as an equal.
I think the bible is pretty clear about the wife's role as the "helper." I just wonder how it fits into today's society in which women CAN be a man's equal.
PLUS...I'm just mad that Dr. Dobson really couldn't think of any other questions for women in his "Wife's Role" chapter.
I've read the book and thought it was pretty good, but I'm probably one of your "biblical marriage" couples that work right? :)
The Biblical response would be this:
1) Do you trust that the Bible is the authoritative Word of God for Christians?
2) Have you submitted your life to the authority of God's Word? (the definition of being a Christian)
3) Do you trust that God's design for us is better than our own design?
Genesis 3:15-17
Ephesians 5:22-33
Colossians 3:17-20
Titus 2:1-8
1 Peter 2:13-3:7
Charles Dobson does not decide a wife or a husband's role in a marriage; God does. Either you believe it or you don't. I think men and women both struggle with their roles and responsibilities, but we are called as Christians to model our life after God's directive, trusting that He knows what is best for us.
Thanks for asking for comments :)
Love ya, Gina
I think Gina makes a really interesting point. It comes down to whether or not you take the Bible literally.
Personally (PLEASE understand this is just *my* opinion, no judgment meant or intended)I take the Bible to be man's understanding of God's word. It's full (to me) of contradictions, confused by the personalities/beliefs/agendas of the people who contributed to writing it.
I personally try to live by the teachings of Jesus. I don't think the Bible is the literal truth (although it is a helpful and wonderful book). I think Jesus' words are God's message to us. Love one another. Be kind to one another. Love others as you love yourself. True in marriage, true in every relationship.
Again, let me state that I am not meaning to spark a huge discussion about biblical marriages vs. non-biblical marriages. And I know that Dobson is sticking to the bible's very clear definition of the wife's role.
I am just SEVERELY disappointed in the fact that his chapter on the wife's role has questions again centered around the husband.
Surely, he could have thought of SOME questions that could both reiterated the wife's responsibility as the helper and submission...yet acknowledge that the wife's chapter should focus on THE WIFE. Like how the husband's chapter focused on THE HUSBAND.
Yet, his chapter on the role of the wife, was just MORE questions centered and directed towards the husband and HIS needs. I mean, really? There ARE NO QUESTIONS that a husband can ask his wife that don't JUST center around helping him or serving him?
For example. This would have been a nice question that would have been a good compromise by both acknowledging the wife's needs and yet highlighting the wife's role:
I understand that tending to our needs (family/husband) all day long can be overwhelming at times. Is there any way that I, as your husband, can make the day easier for you? That I can make it easier for you to "serve" me?
And it would have been nice to have a discussion of the different definitions of "serve" and "submit." And that they don't have to necessarily be negative things.
Like Mary said - submitting to each other in mutual respect and support. For example.
And you can still submit your life to God's Word...yet still question and pray about things that may be difficult to understand. Just because you question something in the Bible, doesn't mean you are a bad Christian in my book. And it doesn't mean you haven't "submitted your life to the authority of God's Word."
To me, it means you are thinking about what you are reading and figuring out how to best live in the way God wants us to live. Without sacrificing the person God created you to be.
THIS is what would have been a nice discussion point.
I also would like to ask, does he, Dobson mention the Husband loving the wife like the Christ loves the church? I haven't read his book so I can't come from that purspective, only what I believe to be biblical and seen work in my own marriage.
My husband and I are in discipleship at our church. One of the first things of two very important things we studied was how to repair broken and damaged relationships (life changer) and we have studied portions of biblical marriage. I'm not sure if it is because it is in pieces, but we talked about how Justin was to love me in the way that Christ loves the church, in a 1 Corinthians 13 love sort of way. We filled out charts for at least 3months that rated how well he was doing in each category. This brought up ways for him to love me better and also combined with how to repair broken and damaged relationships (basically biblical repentance) showed us how to take care of root issues that caused us disunity in our marriage and offense between us. We also discussed how he can love me by what we called LARS, Love, andventure, security and recognition. We discussed how I can provide honor to him. That these were basic needs we need to have met by each other. I think what I'm getting at is maybe the way that Dobson organized his book didn't emphasize this to you that it is imporant that your husband provide for the needs you are talking about. They seem to me to fit into the LARS categories. I believe this to be biblical. Maybe his wording and organization is just hitting some offense that you might have with God about being a woman. I'm just saying this because this is what happened to me. I realy resented the way God created me for a while and had and still do have a hard time figuring out how I fit with how I'm wired as a woman sometimes. I hope this wasn't offensive. I just wanted to share some thoughts.
Lisa L.
Lisa, I really love your post because as a Christian, I am wondering the very things you are talking about.
I am very interested in the couples marital study course you are talking about because that is an example of a devotional in which there is a focus on the WIFE (as well as the husband)and how the husband can help HER be a better wife in a biblical sense without her sacrificing who she is and her needs as well.
This is the exact point I was meaning in my post. And while Dobson most definitely hit a cord within me about an issue I am trying hard to come to terms with, I also felt (from an objective standpoint) that his chapter on the WIFE could have been better written.
THANK YOU, LISA!
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